Which is why it was sad last night when I asked to see a story from my friend, Doc Purple. I had avoided seeing it since he completely ignored notes I gave him on a GI Joe fan fic. My ideas were pretty good and I may post the pitch later, but I was still miffed. He took none of my ideas and scrapped the story. So when he sent the story last night, I held nothing back. I savaged every part of it. Telling him he could do much, much better. He seemed to avoid saying much. No one likes negative comments. It kind of serves him right, he did send me to the Nostalgia Critic's site. And I watched his 100 or so review in a week. Brutal mocking was fresh in my mind.
So, now, in public, it is time to show him. Illustrate how his ideas can shine. I am going to rewrite, on the spot, a section of his story, and make it ten times sexier than his original version.
First some back story. He is going for a Haunted House motif. He only calls the house "down the narrow, ever winding roads in the backwoods of West Virginia" and the style of the house "some combination of Mediterranean and Victorian Era influences." Its a cliche, and cliches rock! They give the reader something familiar to relate to, even if they never been to a Gilded Age mansion. The rest of the foreshadowing says something happened here in the 40's or the 50's.
The characters are five random and diverse friends. Four girls and guy. The dude, the slut, the quiet girl, the Asian rich girl, and a perky goth. We will be following Eliza, the perky goth. Don't ask how she is dressed or any details on her appearance other than her perky nature, so let's just assume she looks like the generic girl who fell into a clothing rack at Hot Topic. Oh, and her friends think she is a bitch. We have a perky, bitchy goth.
Here is the excerpt I am writing.
No matter how Eliza positioned herself on the bed, she couldn’t get any sleep. She was wide awake and didn’t understand why. She remembered being tired and dozing off. It seemed like only 30 minutes ago. The House was oppressively silent. She could hear her heart beat very clearly; hear the blood flow in her ears. She pulled a pillow over her face but that didn’t help either. With a huff and a groan she tossed the pillow aside and felt her way to the lamp next to the bed. The light came on and she peeled the covers back. She was in a black thong and a purple tank top. She thought perhaps a warm bubble bath would relax her enough to get some sleep and fortunately for her someone had stocked the bathroom with everything she needed.
Upstairs, Jill’s mind kept wandering back to the note she had found in the study. What was the machine mentioned in that entry? Who were the people that were there before? She left her room and crept downstairs; down to the study...What the fuck is this? That happened to Eliza? She was taking a bath? Now we are with Jill in the study? We are glossing over a bath tube scene? In a pornographic story? This was one of my complaints. He never sets scenes and rolls with it. He kept jumping around to different characters, different spots. Constantly braking the mood. And in a horror style story, even with a B Film feel, you need a mood. Set a scene, roll with it, do the other stuff before or after.
Elsewhere, Eliza stepped into back the bedroom wearing only a towel. Her skin still glistened with the oil she had used in her bath earlier. She was about to retrieve her clothes from off the bed when she discovered they were missing. In fact, all her clothes were missing.
“Damn it, Dinah! Where are my things?” she said out loud, believing one of her friends was playing a trick on her. She pulled the closet door open but there was no one hiding inside nor was there anything to wear. “Scott, is this your doing you sick pervert?” she asked, looking under the bed. It appeared she was alone.
She stood, her short black hair slicked back and dripping, and pondered the idea of having to leave the privacy of the room and the humiliation of explaining this to Kimmi or Jill so she could borrow something to wear. Her thoughts however were interrupted by the distinct sound of wood groaning as it was bent by unseen forces. Eliza turned to see the form of a nude woman take shape within the walnut paneling of the wall. Though she was suspended in place, the apparition had no trouble moving as the wood seemed to stretch like plastic to whichever way she moved. Eliza at this point was too horrified for words. She had dropped her towel and was oblivious to her own nudity. The apparition smiled; every detail of her anatomy easily recognized from her long flowing hair to her small, stubby toes.
“We want you.” it stated plainly. Its voice was a combination of several women speaking in unison. “Join us sister. Become a part of us!”
Eliza screamed and bolted for the door but when she opened it there was a black rubbery mass in her way. It quivered and moved like gelatinous blob. She knew better than to run through it. She turned just as a second mass uncoiled in the doorway like a curtain made of latex. She walked face first into it and was caught like a mouse in a glue trap. Her screams were silenced as the inky membrane entered her mouth. The two masses came together. They clung to her skin and adhered to her every curve. She looked as though she were in a vacbed.
“Oh, how delicious!” the entity purred. “You’re going to love it here. We have so much to show you!”
The membrane was entering Eliza through other openings. It was warm and she was very uncomfortable. She could feel herself being repositioned for some unknown design; arms crossed just below her breasts and her left knee bent ever so slightly. Her flesh was hot, cold, tingly, and numb all at the same time. There was a sudden sharp pain in her shoulder blades as two small leathery wings sprouted from her back. The excess mass seemed to melt away into oblivion leaving only her dark figure. Even so, the young woman lacked the ability to move. Subtle anatomical details were beginning to surface. One could make out her fingers and nails; see individual strands of her slicked back hair. Her entire body was striped length wise with razor thin slivers of silver. Eliza had become a beautiful winged statue of polished black marble.
The new gargoyle’s smile masked the horror she had felt just moments before her transformation completed. She would be stone forever; always having the body of a nineteen year old, always having small perky breasts. With her work complete, the entity receded into the wall.
No one had heard Eliza scream. Not even Jill who had been on the same floor roughly thirty minutes ago when it happened. She had already gone to bed since she was unable to find anything other than the paper with the numbers written on it. The following morning when Kimmi went to Eliza’s room, she didn’t find her goth friend but she did find her belongings and a note that was written in her hand writing.
Hey guys,
I forgot to get some personal things so I ran to the store. Make sure Dinah doesn't mess with my stuff!
-Eliza
Go ahead, call me cruel. Say it was fine. It was a TF in a page and a half. It missed opportunities, it never fleshed it out. It wasted a striptease, a bath, and a half a page of a vague transformation that is really two transformations.
No matter how Eliza positioned herself on the bed, she couldn’t get any sleep. She was wide awake and didn’t understand why. She remembered being tired and dozing off. It seemed like only 30 minutes ago. The House was oppressively silent. She could hear her heart beat very clearly; hear the blood flow in her ears. She pulled a pillow over her face but that didn’t help either. With a huff and a groan she tossed the pillow aside and felt her way to the lamp next to the bed. The light came on and she peeled the covers back. She was in a black thong and a purple tank top. She thought perhaps a warm bubble bath would relax her enough to get some sleep.
Stumbling a bit, still tipsy from the drinking they had done that night, she hit leaned against the door of the bathroom. She gazed into the bathroom. "Fully stocked, like a hotel. Bullshit, Kimmi's dad knew we were coming." The slurred as she stumbled into the bathroom, and plopped her plump ass onto the toilet seat. Unlike Kimmi and Jill, Eliza, the group's perky goth, saw no need for the gym. It was better not to go. A soft belly for some extra mass in her tits and ass wasn't a bad deal.
Eliza shook her head clear and ran the water the water for the bath. The pipe creaked as the warm water flowed into the bath. Odd how it came out immediately warm, quickly feeling the tub. "Bubbles," Eliza mumbled as she looked over the soap caddy. Sure enough, there was a full bottle of bubble soap in a bright pink bottle. The tipsy goth dumped in what must have been half the bottle before tossing it back with the other soaps. The bubbles came fast, rising to the rim.
Eliza stood up and took her tank top off, letting her bra less breasts bounce free. Her dainty pink nipples sitting on top of two plump breasts. She stretched and looked at her body in the mirror, smirking with her black painted lips. She gently ran her hands over her breasts and down to her black thong with naughty girl written on the whale tale. Letting it fall to the floor, she stretched her legs before stepping into the tub.
"Whoa, that's perfect!" she cooed as she slipped into the bath, sliding under, letting her breasts float on top of the water. The floating pile of bubbles tickling her nipples. It was like sleeping in a warm, wet cloud, it was just what she needed. The house's noises weren't bothering anymore. She was relaxed... she fell asleep, right there in the tub.
And Scene. Ad Lib bath scene. Gave some character development. You know what her body looks like, something about her friends, and a little more about her clothes. Its rough, but it works for something on the fly. Now, while she sleeps, would be the perfect time to do a detailed scene of Jill stumbling around the study.
And when Eliza, the perky goth, wakes up, we rejoin her.
Eliza a woke a few hours later. The bubbles had vanished, settling down into the water, giving a cloudy look. The water's pleasant warm feel had drifted away, leaving a luke warm feel. Her neck hurt too from laying against the porcelain tub. She stood up, stretching her body again. She ran her hands through her wet hair, slicking it back behind her head. She let the water drip off her body before reaching for one of the soft, clean, fluffy white towel hanging on the rack.
"Oh yea, no one knows we were come up here. The turn down service is just standard on empty houses," she mumbled as she wrapped the towel around her body, snugly wrapped around her breasts and walking back into the bedroom. Her legs glistening still from the bubble bath she used. Eliza walked over to the dresser were she put her clothes, and opened it.
“Damn it, Dinah! Where are my things?” she screamed as she slammed the draw shut and moved through the next several. All empty. This was just like a drunk Dinah, for one of her stories. Eliza knew how it would play out. She would leave her room to find her clothes, and she would find them, piece by piece, in a trail, leading to the garden or something. Dinah would be behind her giggling, waiting, stalking for the moment. POUNCE! The blonde would grab her towel and run outside. "She thinks she can get me, oh no, I'm not falling for it this..."
The woman froze. Her still wet body dripping on the floor making a small puddle. Her jaw dropped. There was no way. The walnut panel on the far side of the room was moving, coming at her. It had a shape! It was a woman! A woman coming out of the wood. It was clear as day. The goth girl trembled and backed into the dresser. Her white eyes spread open, unblinking at the sight. Her slick, wet legs trembling under her short towel.
“We want you,” she spoke in an eerie plain voice. The wooden woman was half out of the panel. Her thighs merging back into the panel. Her body was in full, perfect detail. To pointed nipples sat on to moderate sides breasts, her flat stomach with a petite navel and smooth pussy lips between her thighs. Her hair drifting about her head, passing from a complete mass to incredibly fine threads as it moved and waved. Her arms pulled back into the wall as if someone were on the other side holding her in. Her face smiling and angelic, she poke again, but this time, it sounded as if more than one woman was speaking. All in perfect. “Join us sister. Become a part of us! We even have a special place for a dark girl like you. Join us!"
Eliza darted into the bathroom as the voices giggles at her. Her glistening nude body on pull display as she tried to hide, slamming the door shut and trembling inside the room. "This isn't Dinah....what the fuck!" Her eyes darted around the room, but the room had no windows, and the giggling wouldn't stop. It was like the door wasn't even closed. The goth crossed her arms over her chest and backed away from the door. She saw movement in her periphery, and darted her head to her side. She let out a chilling scream.
"See, you're starting to join us already. Isn't it delicious? You'll love it here. We have so many fun things to show you," the single voice spoke again. The face that stared back at Eliza was her own, but a far darker version. Her skin was a dull gray, her teeth and her teeth fangs. Her eyes shined a dark, blood red that gave a piercing lifeless stare. Her forehead broke for two stubby horns. Her hair, now a dark black and draping down her back to her ass, was profiled by two pointy ears.
"What have you done to me?" she screamed as she stared down at her hands and feet. Now two pairs of claws with only three digits each. Her feet with a fourth claw sticking out the back of her morphed feet. Eliza's mind couldn't comprehend what she was seeing, she could only screech. Her voice making a feminine wail that only a banshee could produce. She stopped only when she turned to see the tube. The bubbles had returned and were growing, forming a shape. The bubbles took the shape of a woman, another woman. Eliza just shrieked again.
"Join us!" the voices said again before the bubbles flew at Eliza, knocking her back, through the door that opened by itself. The transformed coed hit the floor. She struggled as the bubbles covered her body. Tickling her as it did before, mocking her. Soon all she could do was wiggle on the floor in a mass of bubbles. She was having troubling catching her breath as she was in a mixture of tickles and horror. Finally she got out another scream, only to let the bubbles flow into her mouth silencing her. The bubbles moved fast. Entering her body through her every hole. Her tongue felt the taste of soap as it flowed down her through. She could feel them pushing into pussy like the cock of her old boyfriend. Even her tight virgin ass even parted as the bubbles forced their way in.
When it was gone, Eliza writhed silent on the floor. The bubbles were gone, but she could feel them inside, tickling her. "Oh God! I can feel it!" she screamed as she rolled over onto her knees. Her voice changed to sound like a very feminine growl. She shrieked as they burst from her back. Two large wings to rival even a mighty eagle. Eliza looked over her shoulder at her new wings, stretching them as they touched the ceiling. Her eyes only looked away as she winced. A tail growing out above her ass and waggling behind her.
"We knew you would like it. Be our gargoyle. Be the naughty sentry that keeps the other girls in line," another strange ghostly voice cooed.
Eliza darted for the door. It was locked. She was too panicked to notice how much more limber her body was. How much swifter it was. Or even that her wings naturally folded behind her back. After pounding on the wall for a few moments, she spun around and ran to the window. It opened. She sighed as she throw the windows open, and climbed onto the ledge. Again she failed to notice how her body took a natural pose. Her legs bent up to her chest, her claws gripping the window frame. She was going to jump from the second floor window, but didn't. Something stopped her.
She could feel what stopped her. The bubbles moving under her skin. She could feel them crawling under it, still tickling her like she was taking a bath again. The gargoyle girl opened her mouth and let out a roar, freezing with her mouth opened. The bubbles feeling as though they popped under her skin while rising to the surface. And what they left behind was a new, hard skin. Her hair and eyes joining the same color as the rest of her body. A black obsidian marble. It was an unnatural rock. Shiny and black with yellow veins running around it. The gargoyle girl could only gaze out at the court yard around the house, doing her job. Observing, weighting, protecting....
And there you have it. The transformation of Eliza, the perky Goth, into Eliza, the perky Gargoyle. I like the way it came out. On the spot.
I used things in the room, used the setting. I didn't need a massive, unexplained blob to come out of no where. I described the woman in the wood. Used things in the room to ground it to a place and not just a floating white space. And I took the liberty of adding my idea that the Gargoyle should work for the house. It isn't perfect, but it is a nice detailed start. Put a couple of TFs like this in a story and people will notice. They might even get engrossed in the haunted house. And it didn't even need Vince Prince.
Becky
Not bad. I like the TF scenes although it would have been just as good with out the gargoyle TF thrown in.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of the bubbles, but you seemed to trail off on the detail for this part. Would be interesting if the bubbles burst to cause the transformation under her skin - them her flesh just melted off or disintegrated.
Cant wait to see the rest of the story, really like the way its going
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